Sam Harris has written a blog post outlining
3 principles of self-defense. It is really great, and I highly encourage you to check it out.
I know this might seem like a slightly random or paranoid posting, but the truth is that we live in a world where violence happens, and if you are a woman the chance of experiencing violence is much, much higher. In his post, Harris claims that in 2010, there were 403.6 violent crimes per 100,000 people in the United States. The average American thus has a 1 in 250 chance of being robbed, assaulted, raped, or murdered
each year. Harris does not have gender disaggregated data, and I can't seem to find gender disaggregated data on the
FBI's website (although the FBI does formally define rape as the "carnal knowledge of a
female forcibly and against her will," so that data is gender specific - because male rape doesn't exist, FBI?!). But given what we know about domestic violence, a woman's chances of experiencing violence are way higher than 1 in 250. Let's take a look at
the data:
-- One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
-- An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
-- Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.
-- One in six women have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
Harris' post seems to revolve mostly around stranger danger, while most violence against women occurs at the hands of someone they know - not a stranger. But Harris' post is still worth checking out, and much of his advice could be useful in the case of intimate partner violence.
Some highlights:
-- You are under no obligation, for instance, to give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. If a man who makes you uncomfortable steps onto an elevator with you, step off. Victims of crime often sense that something is wrong in the first moments of encountering their attackers but feel too socially inhibited to create the necessary distance and escape.
-- Do not defend your property.
-- Do whatever you can to avoid a physical confrontation, but the moment avoidance fails, attack explosively for the purposes of escape.-- Anyone who attempts to control you—by moving you to another room, putting you in a car, tying you up—probably intends to kill you (or worse). And you must understand in advance that your natural reaction to this situation—to freeze, to comply with instructions—will be the wrong one.
Any attempt to move you, even by a few feet—backing you off a sidewalk and into an alley, forcing you behind a row of bushes—is unacceptable and should mobilize all your physical and emotional resources. The time for listening to instructions and attempting to remain calm has passed. It will get no easier to resist and escape after these first moments. The presence of weapons, the size or number of your attackers—these details are irrelevant. However bad the situation looks, it will only get worse. To hesitate is to put yourself at the mercy of a sociopath. You have no alternative but to explode into action, whatever the risk.
Recognizing when this line has been crossed, and committing to escape at any cost, is more important than mastering physical techniques.-- When you commit to using force against another person, your overriding goal is
to escape. T
he moment it is clear that an assailant wants more than your property, you must escape.Harris recommends that you be aware of your surroundings, and mentally prepare for a variety of scenarios to the point where they become instinctual. He also recommends learning a few good self-defense moves to help you escape. Finally, he recommends preparing and planning with your family about what to do in a variety of scenarios. Doing so, he claims, is not paranoia, but reasonable emergency preparedness that can actually make your family safer.
I have to admit that for me, many of the things Harris talks about have become instinctual. I grew up with a flight attendant mother who constantly goes into "flight attendant mode." I'll be flipping through the television channels in a hotel room and she'll ask me, "Where is our closest exit? Would you know where to go if there was a fire and you couldn't read the sign because there is no power, or because your eyes have swelled shut from the poisons in the air?" Or sitting on a plane, "What would you do if the plane was taken over and we were hostages?!" Growing up, my mom used to tell me that no matter what - you should not get in the car with someone. Even if they say they are going to shoot you if you run, you run. If they get you in the car, they'll likely rape and/or torture you to death. It is unlikely that they will actually shoot you if you do run, but even if they do, you'd rather be shot than tortured.
Sometimes I used to think that all of this was ridiculous and paranoid. But now that I'm older and live in a not-so-safe city (I still love you, New Haven!), I'm profoundly grateful that these sorts of things have become reflex-like. I realize that my mom wasn't trying to terrify me, but making sure that I knew both how to be properly aware of my surroundings, and have an instinctual self-defense plan. You only have seconds in a situation to act, and you need to know what to do, because you don't have time to think about what you should do. For example, re: the get-in-the-car-or-I'll-shoot-situation, I've been told so many times to escape that I wouldn't have to fight an instinct to comply - my
instinct is to escape. Or just the other night, while leaving a grocery store in a less-safe part of town in the dark (I normally would never do this, but I shopped too long and forgot that the sun goes down so early these days), some men started making inappropriate comments and I went to grab my keys, because I knew they were the sharpest thing I could use for a weapon in the middle of the parking lot. But I didn't have to grab them because they were already in my hand and ready! I had my thumb on the panic button and the key in between my fingers ready to go. I had seriously been taught so many times that when in a parking lot - especially at night - you should be ready to press the panic button and use a key as a weapon that I had just done it, and gotten it ready without even really realizing it.
I've thought sometimes about whether this was too much preparation, and about whether this way of thinking somehow victimizes and/or disempowers women in particular by teaching them that they are unsafe and need to be constantly alert and on the lookout for danger. But I've never felt disempowered by such preparations, I've only felt stronger, more assure of myself, and safer. I avoid dangerous situations when I can, and know that I have as good a game plan as any to protect myself if I find myself in a bad situation. Moreover, I think this type of stuff shouldn't just be taught to girls, which is why I'm glad, in a way, that Harris didn't make his self-defense post gender specific. Finally, I do think self-defense should be taught to children, even if it is kind of ominous and scary. Kids need to know what to do in an instant, and if they don't know what to do, question what you tell them, or complain about it - their lives could be in very real danger. And since kids, both boys and girls, are more vulnerable to violence, and young women between the ages of 20-24 are more likely to experience violence than at any other time in their life, they need to be prepared about what to do while they're young. Given what we know about intimate partner violence, it is also a good idea not to just prepare children for "stranger danger," but intimate partner violence as well. My mom and I had (and have) a code word to use in case I was ever being abused or in danger. I could call her and sound like everything was fine, but she would know something was wrong if I used "the word."
It is empowering to know that you have the skills, the resources, and the mental preparation to help keep yourself safe - no matter what your age or gender.
P.S. Did you know that if you have children, you shouldn't teach them to go find a police officer to help them if they get lost? There are too many incidents of people impersonating police officers, and it can be confusing for children to know who is a police officer and who is just a man in some type of uniform. You don't want your child, alone, to admit that he is lost and vulnerable to some random man, or maybe even to a man in general (including a police officer). Instead, you should teach them to find a woman with a stroller and children, and ask her to help you find the police or your parents. My mom always threw in "a smiling, nice-looking mom." Women commit crimes too, so it isn't perfect, but your child is arguably safer approaching women with children than seeking out authoritative looking men.
